Meet my husband, Varren. We’ve been married 20 years. It shocks me still to say that. 20 years and I still like him! But it’s no always easy…and that has nothing to do with my husband.

He is lovely. Truly.

Today he shared that he found a replacement part for $27. All signs pointed to that part a costing about $100. He’s like that. He finds creative solutions. So, trust me when I say it’s not him.

It’s not me either though. I’m a pretty smart cookie and I’m nice.

Marriage it hard. Why? Because we are all imperfect humans.

On one particularly imperfect day, my husband asked me, “Did you read the instruction manual?”

Are you kidding me?? Who reads the instruction manual for a dishwasher? Apparently, I’d been loading it wrong for years — and yes, there is a “right” way, at least according to my husband, to load the dishwasher.

If you’re married, you’ve probably had a similar argument. You do things one way, your spouse does it another.

“We always fold towels lengthwise in my family.”

“Well, in my family, we stack the cups upside down.”

These tiny things can feel way bigger in the moment.

The bible tells us in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” This is where the idea of “leave and cleave” comes from. This scripture emphasizes the formation of a new, primary bond in marriage, where a man leaves his family of origin and unites with his wife, becoming one unit. 

If only it were that easy for imperfect humans, right??

According to The Gottman Institute, 69% of conflicts in marriage are not resolvable. These are often what Gottman calls perpetual problems. They are rooted in fundamental differences in personality, values, or life experiences, and are unlikely to be eliminated. 

So, how do we “cleave” to someone so imperfectly different from ourselves? The word cleave in our English vernacular isn’t really a strong enough word to describe the Hebrew word originally used, which let’s be honest, there is a lot that gets lost in translation. The Hebrew word is more expressive, meaning to cling, to adhere to, to abide fast together, to follow. Sounds a lot like glue…sticking together. 

How do I “cleave” to someone who I so vehemently disagree with?

You die to yourself.

Ugh. I wish there were a softer answer.

But I once read (don’t ask me where) that two selfish people cannot be successfully married. And I think that’s true.

You don’t “solve” problems; you learn how to live with them while still loving each other well.

That’s where dying to self comes in.

Dying to self doesn’t mean you lose your voice, pretend you agree, or never speak up. It means you choose to value the relationship over being right. It’s letting go of the need to win, and instead holding onto your spouse like that Hebrew picture of clinging — steadfast, unshakable, and committed.

It’s saying, “I still think you load the dishwasher wrong… but I love you more than I love my way.”

Marriage isn’t about finding the person who sees the world exactly as you do. To be honest, that sounds boring. It’s about learning to see them as more important than the issue at hand. And when you do, you’ll find that the act of cleaving — even through the unsolvable stuff — creates a bond stronger than any difference.

Because in the end, the goal isn’t to agree on towel-folding techniques or cup placement. The goal is to build a life together where love is the glue… and the glue holds.