AKA It’s okay to say NO continued….

There has been a lot of conversation lately about something called boundaries.
In truth, boundaries aren’t a new idea at all. They’ve always existed in healthy relationships and emotional functioning.

What is more recent in our cultural dialogue is the idea of cutting people off if they aren’t emotionally healthy for us. And while there are times distance is necessary, I think the word boundaries is often used in ways that miss its true meaning — and sometimes even become unhealthy.

So let’s pause and define what boundaries actually are.

In psychology, boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits we set to protect our well-being, integrity, and personal space. They define where I end and you begin, creating safety in relationships and preventing resentment.

Healthy boundaries require two things:

1. Clearly communicating our limits or needs
   
2. Managing our own behavior if those limits are not respected
   

And this is the key point:
Boundaries are about what I will do — not about controlling what you do.

At the end of the day, my behavior is the only thing I truly control.

I often hear people say, “You crossed my boundaries.”
But technically speaking, boundaries are not something another person crosses — they are something we uphold. They are set by us, for us.

This is where the conversation often needs more clarity.

There are different types of boundaries.

Time boundaries
These involve limits around availability and energy. In our productivity-driven culture, this is a big one.
For example: I don’t answer my phone after 9 pm.

Physical boundaries
These relate to personal space and touch — what contact feels safe and acceptable to me. This can also be in relation to our personal belongings, which things I’ll let people borrow. 

Emotional boundaries
This is where I see people struggle most in my practice.
We often try to set a “boundary” that sounds like: You can’t talk to me that way.

But that’s actually an attempt to control another person’s behavior.

A true boundary sounds more like:
If you speak to me that way, I will end the conversation.

See the difference?
One tries to change the other person.
The other defines my response.

And that shift — from controlling others to owning ourselves — is the heart of healthy boundaries.

Sometimes boundaries can feel unkind, selfish, or even un-Christian. Many people were taught that love means endless availability, self-sacrifice, or tolerating hurtful behavior.

But healthy boundaries are not the opposite of love — they are what make love sustainable.

Even Jesus practiced boundaries.

• He withdrew from crowds to rest and pray.
• He did not meet every demand placed on Him.
• He allowed others to walk away.
• And He spoke truth clearly, even when it disappointed people.

Scripture reminds us:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Guarding your heart is not about shutting people out.

It is about stewarding what God has entrusted to you — your mind, body, emotions, and spirit.

Boundaries allow us to love others without losing ourselves.

They create space for relationships that are honest, mutual, and life-giving rather than resentful or depleted.

Some Questions to reflect on…

• Where in my life do I feel resentment or emotional exhaustion?
• Am I trying to control someone else’s behavior instead of defining my own response?
• What boundary might help me care for myself more honestly right now?
• Do I believe boundaries are selfish or unloving? Where did that belief come from?
• What would it look like to “guard my heart” in this situation?
• Where might God be inviting me to practice truth and love together?