I think we often get forgiveness very wrong.

When someone hurts us, it’s completely human to want to hurt them back. We learn this early on in life—back in toddlerhood, really. The law of the jungle: You take my toy, I hit you. You hurt me, I hurt you.

Or maybe that’s not how it shows up for you.

Maybe instead of wanting to hurt someone back, you want the wrong to be made right.
Maybe you want justice.
Or maybe, if we’re honest… vengeance.

All of those responses are normal. Appropriate, even. And for those who have experienced trauma, they are often protective responses.

We have emotions. We feel things. And those feelings are not the problem.

Why Forgiveness Matters (Even When It’s Hard)

When we hold onto anger, resentment, or the need for retaliation, our nervous system stays on high alert. Our bodies and minds remain stuck in threat mode, replaying the harm over and over again. It interrupts our NOW.

Forgiveness doesn’t erase what happened.

But it can interrupt that loop.

It allows the brain and body to begin to stand down—creating space for regulation, clarity, and emotional freedom.

Spiritually, forgiveness asks something even deeper of us.

It invites us to release the illusion that we are in control of justice and place it into God’s hands.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing harm or bypassing accountability. It means trusting that bitterness is not where healing lives. It is a surrender—not of truth—but of the burden of carrying the offense alone.

Here is a thought to chew on, what if forgiveness is less about the other person…

…and more about you?

What if it’s about releasing yourself from the emotions that quietly imprison you—anger, bitterness, resentment—the ones that drain your peace and keep you tied to the pain?

What if forgiveness isn’t letting the person who hurt you off the hook…

…but letting you off the hook?

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiveness is often misunderstood, and that misunderstanding can keep people stuck—or even cause further harm.

Forgiveness is not:

• Saying what happened was okay
  
• Excusing abusive or harmful behavior
  
• Forgetting the impact of what you experienced
  
• Reconciling with someone who is unsafe
  
• Trusting someone who has not rebuilt trust
  

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

You can forgive someone and still have things like boundaries, distance (emotional/physical) and wisdom in the relationship. It doesn’t have to result in an emotional cut-off. For those who have experienced trauma, this distinction is essential. Forgiveness should never require you to abandon yourself in order to offer peace to someone else.

Forgiveness Takes Time

Forgiveness is not a switch you flip. It is a process.

Sometimes it looks like:

• A willingness before a feeling
  
• A decision you revisit more than once
  
• Letting go in layers, not all at once
  

There may be days where the anger comes back. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

It means you’re human—and healing.

When You’re Not Ready to Forgive

This matters more than most people say out loud: You are allowed to not be ready.

Rushing forgiveness can become another form of self-betrayal—especially if you’ve spent a lifetime minimizing your own pain. Instead of forcing forgiveness, you might begin with:

• Naming what happened truthfully
  
• Allowing anger to exist without judgment
  
• Creating safety in your body and relationships
  

Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness isn’t letting go…

…it’s finally acknowledging how much it hurt.

Forgiveness is less about a single moment and more about a posture over time.

It is:

• Releasing what poisons you
  
• Refusing to let pain define you
  
• Choosing not to carry what was never yours to hold forever
  

And sometimes, forgiveness begins here: “I’m not ready yet… but I’m willing to get there.”

Forgiveness is not about pretending it didn’t matter. It’s about choosing not to let it have the final word in your life. ❤️