Once upon a time a long while ago I was in the Army. And when I was in basic training, Sundays came with a choice. Stay back and clean…or go to church. At that point in my life, my motivation wasn’t spiritual, that would come later. It was purely practical. Church meant a break. A chance to sit down. A pause from the constant structure, the marching, the expectations. So I went.

Every Sunday, the pastor stood in front of a room full of exhausted, overwhelmed soldiers and said something simple:

“You’re not where you want to be.…but you’re not where you used to be.”

Every week, as we were one week closer to graduation, that statement felt like a lifeline.

Basic training has a way of making you feel like you’re constantly falling short. There is always something else to improve, a run time, a fit to win course time, marching, pull-ups (ugh). There is a constant reminder of something you didn’t do right. Something you need to do better.

Your attention stays locked on the gap—
where you should be versus where you are.

That same pattern shows up in therapy. People come in feeling like they’re behind. Behind in their healing. Behind in their relationships. Behind in their ability to cope.

“I thought I’d be further along by now.”
“Why am I still struggling with this?”
“I should be over this already.”

The focus stays on where they think they’re supposed to be. Not on where they started. Growth rarely feels like progress in the moment. It feels like frustration.
Discomfort.
Inconsistency.
Two steps forward and one step back.

It doesn’t feel clean or obvious. That’s why it’s so easy to miss.

“You’re not where you want to be…but you’re not where you used to be.”

There is still work to do and there has already been progress. Both are true at the same time. If you only focus on where you want to be, you will always feel behind. There will always be another version of yourself you haven’t reached yet.

When you take a moment to look back, something shifts. You see:

The way you respond now versus how you used to.
The awareness you didn’t have before.
The boundaries you’ve started to set.
The conversations you can now have.

That’s growth. Even if it’s subtle. Even if it’s unfinished. Instead of asking, “Why am I not further along?”Ask, “What’s different about me now?”

It’s a quieter question. But it’s a more honest one. I went to church to avoid cleaning. I didn’t realize I was also being given something I would carry with me long after basic training ended.

Most of us are still in the middle of something. Still growing. Still figuring things out. Still becoming. If it feels like you’re not where you want to be, take a moment and look back.

You’re not where you used to be either.