Every relationship has it’s own story. How you first met, the first time you felt that “spark, your first date, your first kiss. The moment when you knew that person was “the one”. That first big purchase together. The wedding. The first big fight. Most people make big plans for the wedding. Hours and hours go into the details of the big day. You take time deciding on what you’ll wear, what others will wear. You go over the menu, the venue, the music, and all of the other details with great care. But how much time do you spend planning for that first big fight?
Anyone who has been married a day or a decade knows that marriage is hard work. Sure there are good days, but sometimes when it is hard, it is really hard. Most people are not taught how to “fight” in relationships. We don’t take the time to plan how we are going to argue with our love, we just do it We resort to what we know. And sometimes what we know is how to defend, how to attack, and how to shut out the person who is hurting us.
Dr. John Gottman has observed the masters and disasters of relationships for more than 40 years. He had observed many different couples with many different stories and found some basic similarities that apply to every relationship, no matter where you are at in that relationship. One for the first things that you will learn in Gottman Method Couple’s therapy if how to eliminate those communication destroyers with your spouse. Gottman calls them The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. These are the communication patterns that will lead to the destruction of your relationship.
The Four Horseman are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Criticism is assassinating your partner’s character over a complaint. Criticism can be found in a lot of the sentences that we say that contains phrases like, “you always” or “you never”. For example you may be upset because your partner told you they would do a chore around the house. The next day, the chore is still there. Criticism would be you saying something like, “Why didn’t you do that? You said you would take care of it! You never do what you say you are going to do! I can’t rely on you!”
Contempt can be found in those ways that we look down on our spouse. This is an attack mode in which the speaker resorts to name calling or sneering. This particular horse in the Four Horseman is the biggest predictor of the end of a relationship.
Defensiveness is exactly what it sounds like. It is when you get into a self protective mode and your focus becomes on defending yourself. You are attempting to ward off what is a perceived attack. This looks something like, “yes, but you ….” or your might make excuses or even deny what your partner is saying and then giving them criticism. “I never talk over you, you are always the one who doesn’t listen in this relationship!”.
The final of the four is Stonewalling. This is when one partner shuts down. You withdrawal emotionally from the conversation. This may be due to being emotionally overwhelmed, or flooded. Partners sometimes may feel like this is being “neutral” when they withdrawal from a conflict but it is usually received as “icy” distance and does damage to the relationship.
When these four communication patterns exist in a marriage, the end result, without a change and intervention, will be divorce.
But take heart! For each one of these negative communication patterns there is a cure. Being aware that they exist in your relationship is the first step toward making a change and eliminating the Four Horseman from your communication and conflict. The next step is to reach out, seek supportive counseling services and begin to make that change.
For more information on The Four Horseman and The Gottman Institute visit https://www.gottman.com/
Happy 21st Anniversary to my wonderful husband!
Welcome to Mental Health Monday 
Leave a comment