Understanding why your body reacts before your brain has time to catch up

Have you ever had a reaction that seemed bigger than the moment? 

Like, someone’s tone changes and suddenly your heart starts racing or you receive a text that simply says, “Can we talk?” and immediately your stomach drops. Maybe you’re feeling overwhelmed by everything you need to do, but instead of getting started, you find yourself staring at your phone, scrolling, or wanting to crawl back into bed. Or maybe everything in your life seems relatively okay, yet your body feels tense, restless, exhausted, or on edge.

We often respond to these experiences by asking ourselves, What is wrong with me?

Polyvagal Theory invites us to ask a different question: What is my nervous system trying to tell me right now?

Our autonomic nervous system is constantly taking in information from the world around us, from within our own bodies, and from our relationships with other people. Much of this happens outside of our conscious awareness. Our nervous system is continually asking one basic question:

Am I safe?

When the answer is yes, our bodies function differently than when the answer is maybe—or absolutely not.

Polyvagal Theory, developed by neuroscientist Stephen Porges, offers a framework for understanding these different nervous system responses. While the science and terminology can become complicated, I often find it helpful to think about three general states: safe and connected, activated, and shut down.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Safe and connected: Ventral vagal

This is the state where we generally feel most grounded and connected. We can think clearly. We can be curious. We can connect with other people. We can experience difficult emotions without necessarily becoming overwhelmed by them. Being regulated doesn’t mean being happy all the time.

You can be sad and regulated.

You can be disappointed and regulated.

You can have a difficult conversation and remain regulated.

Regulation simply means we feel “safe enough”.

Activated: Sympathetic

When our nervous system detects potential danger, it mobilizes us.

Our heart may beat faster. Our muscles tighten. Our breathing changes. We may become anxious, irritated, restless, hypervigilant, or overwhelmed.

This is often described as our fight-or-flight response.

For one person, sympathetic activation might look like panic. For another, it might look like anger. And for someone else, it might look like staying incredibly busy, overthinking everything, trying to control their environment, or being unable to sit still.

The important thing to understand is that your body isn’t necessarily malfunctioning. It is preparing. It believes something requires your attention.

Shut down: Dorsal vagal

Sometimes our nervous system determines that fighting or fleeing isn’t possible—or that we’ve been activated for too long. Instead of mobilizing, it conserves.

We may feel exhausted, disconnected, numb, foggy, unmotivated, or emotionally flat. We might isolate ourselves or feel like even simple tasks require enormous amounts of energy.

People sometimes interpret this state as laziness.

But there’s an important difference between I don’t want to and my nervous system doesn’t currently believe I have the resources to do this.

This doesn’t mean every experience of fatigue, low motivation, or disconnection is caused by the nervous system. Physical and mental health conditions can produce similar symptoms and deserve appropriate evaluation.

But understanding our nervous system can give us another lens through which to view what we’re experiencing.

What moves you from one state to another?

One of my favorite parts of exploring Polyvagal Theory is identifying our triggers.

I often think about triggers in three categories: internal, external, and in-between.

Internal triggers happen within us. They could be a memory or a thought. We can feel triggered by hunger, pain or exhaustion. It could also be a physical sensation that reminds our body of something it has experienced before.

External triggers come from our environment. Something like a loud noise or a crowded room could feel triggering. It could also be a particular place or financial stress or an overflowing inbox. Conflict or too many demands with too little time can also be an environmental trigger.

Finally, there are the in-between triggers—the things that happen between people. An example of in-between triggers could be someone’s facial expression or a change in tone.They could be feeling ignored, criticized, or as if someone is pulling away. Conflict with a spouse or feeling misunderstood or even a perceived lack of response from someone important to us.

Sometimes the actual moment is relatively small, but our nervous system’s response is significant because it isn’t responding only to this moment. Our bodies learn from experience.

Healing begins with noticing

One of the most powerful things we can learn is to recognize:

Where am I right now?

Am I safe and connected?

Am I activated?

Am I beginning to shut down?

What happened right before I noticed the shift?

What am I feeling in my body?

What does my nervous system seem to believe it needs?

Instead of immediately trying to force ourselves out of an uncomfortable state, we can become curious about it.

Sometimes regulation looks like slow breathing or taking a walk.

Sometimes it’s eating something because you haven’t eaten all day.

Sometimes it’s turning down the noise.

Sometimes it’s sitting beside someone who makes you feel safe.

Sometimes it’s setting a boundary.

Sometimes it’s allowing yourself to rest.

And sometimes it’s working with a therapist to help your nervous system distinguish between what was dangerous then and what is safe now.

The goal isn’t to live in a perfectly regulated state.

That’s not realistic—and it isn’t even how healthy nervous systems work.

We are designed to move between states of connection, activation and shut down.

We become activated when something needs our attention. We rest and conserve energy when we need recovery. Then, ideally, we find our way back toward connection and safety.

What if healing isn’t about never becoming dysregulated again?

But rather, it’s becoming more familiar with your own nervous system—recognizing where you are, understanding what brought you there, and slowly learning the pathways that help you find your way home again.

Your reactions aren’t the whole story. Sometimes they’re clues.

And when we become curious about those clues instead of immediately judging them, we may begin to understand ourselves in an entirely different way.

💜